Cell Phone Operating Systems

by Unknown (noreply@blogger.com) · · · · 5 subscribers

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What a strange new hobby I’ve adopted, this last year spent writhing around under florescent lights with men whom intend me harm, gnashing teeth and painful grunts—I think this is what the 80’s were like. I do this by choice, the writhing and wrestling thing. Hours upon hours of each …
Wandering into an electronics store and buying an expensive television off the wall, on a whim, is like stuffing a cooked ham into a tube sock and referring to it by a woman’s name—that is to say, the activity completely baffles me. White haired fifty something’s with popped windbreaker collars …
In my years on this planet I’ve arrived at two infallible truths: Ranch dressing has no discernible equal, and Nathan Fillion needs to star in a goddamn blockbuster movie already. I’ve had enough of the Twitter campaigns, blog posts, speculation, want, lust, need, and all manner of gripping your knees …
Much like ranch dressing, Thriller, and the Sears catalog—The Nintendo Entertainment System shaped my life in ways that were both very important and wildly confusing. When the thing first arrived on our shores, it cost about ten-kerbillion American dollars, so for most of the lower middle class, we had to …
There’s a certain level of self awareness required to enjoy sloppy fast-food ice cream in the company of another man. Generally, for those of my ilk, it’s a devious and perverse little slice of life—sitting alone in a quiet room and absorbing every calorie, savoring each granule of processed sugar, …
My younger brother briefly showed an interest in baseball, and as a result, his grandchildren will likely snort off-world caviar from the bellybutton of alien slaves. I had my brief affair with the game, but it was rather fleeting, manifesting in a couple of those long-triangle felt banners that young …
I once played the clarinet for seven years, and it was those kinds of decisions that set the tone for much of my adolescence. For my graduating class, the whole band thing started in the fifth grade, and I think we were picking out our instruments at the end of …
It’s that moment where I feel the virus dig in and take hold, the moment where I contemplate throwing myself out of a window—the moment when I realize I’ve got a cold, and I’m going to spend the next several days leaking. The shades come down with a dangerous mechanical …
I was home, but I had to eat fast—three men in Texas were waiting for me. It was more like ten, eight for sure—we’d pick up the last two if necessary—but three of them were in Texas and they were ready to get murderous. Dammit, I forgot the caffeine, things …
After an hour on the mat, I struggled to feel the jade working it’s magic, and as I pretended to imagine toxins leaving my body, I planned an escape. The mechanical bed was fit with pounds of jade stone, apparently blessed with flute music or some mystical nonsense that probably …
The man was a redneck, more so than the the kind Nebraska traditionally produced, like he was born over an ancient redneck burial ground, or grew up over a redneck fault-line of some sort. Taylor and I clicked right from the starting pistol, meeting at community college and quickly bonding …
The rough looking Pizza Hut located about a mile from my home has been taken over—and successfully operated—by a hardcore metal band currently taking a break between albums. This is an assumption mind you, as I can find no alternative explanation for the gruff crowd that serves me soda and …
Fifty paces from a coffee shop hawking overpriced sandwiches, I witness some kind of dusted-up vagrant using a Diet Coke can as a toilet, and it was then I knew I was downtown. The peoples of downtown live in a variety of converted housing, old rat hovels repainted and laid …
Wild and rumbly, the car was an impostor, and when we sped together over back- county mountains, I knew it tried damned hard to keep me from killing myself. It was a fourteen-hundred dollar maroon behemoth, a 1978 Mercury Cougar with a cracked windshield that spent it’s original years under …
My bulldog, whom I hold in higher regard than many of my contemporaries, looks as though he’s been living in a tire fire for the past six years. Dogs get skin infections, I now know, and dogs with wrinkles get them in horrible ways. What starts as a little spot …
Learning the fine art of the tobacco pipe can be a tremendously rewarding experience, just so long as you don’t look like a complete tool-bag while doing it. For nearly as long as our species has been roasting food over a fire, we’ve been altering the tobacco leaf and dancing …
While sitting in the front row and struggling to comprehend how one is expected to divide numbers using a little slash, it hit me like a chalkboard eraser to the eyeball: I was going to remain in the third grade for eternity. It was wild how quickly I accepted the …
The disagreement: A gentleman with whom I work tells me that the best way to take your meals is outdoors, and I respectfully tell him that he is a godless heathen. He loves it - can't possibly absorb enough sunlight and bathe himself all over under it's vitamin enriched rays. …
When they opened a new IKEA store a few miles from my home, little did I know this would prepare me for inter-galactic space travel. The titan blue box finished it's month long and near-silent birth only recently - the store pasted against the horizon as a deity defiant monolith …
Everyone has a morning show they watch or listen to, regardless of how accurate the words before that comma truly are. Part of the waking routine for the living can vary - coffee, a shower, blowing your nose and lighting a cigarette, wildly scrambling a fresh corpse from your bed …